Blame and Flame

Some days after my anger ebbed away, but it still bothered me until now. I confirmed that I was not at fault, but what done is done. It was well clear the idea to ride on one's back did not came from me, yet because of one fall he changed into another...... Boy.

Of hearing that shout, I blurred out of words not knowing that to say, if he'd knew a little more about Physics, he will my pulling of LB's pants will not cause the fall. I got blamed for being childish, in front of them, in front of 3 girls, worst still, amongst them, was my crush..

The air came crushing down when I saw the 3 of them, needless to say I can read it from their eyes they had absolutely no idea what had just happened, perhaps random hypotheses of me being the sole cause for the accident after hearing his accuses so loud.

Needless to say, I apologized in hoping he could calm his nerves, aloud. But girls don't usually catch this fact, I had just made things worse by apologizing, as they thought I was the one at fault. He said sorry pretty softly shortly afterwards, but it does not matter anymore..

JK, one of the witness, perhaps the one most understanding, immediately called for everyone to just go home instead. I, out of frustration and grief tailed them home. I let the wind cover my tears that night, out of a sudden I felt really lonely, because, no one even bothered to talk to me. He played it smart, seizing the opportunity he accompanied every one of them, effectively using me as a stepping stone, soaring heights.. So much for people who wanted easy friends the fast way..

Accompanying me that night was a Budweiser I bought earlier that day, how funny it was to see me holding one can that soon..

I leaped up from the swing and traced back home, it was funny he came in front of me, perhaps he had words, but sometimes when ego and pride went ahead, one wouldn't just lower one's head, let alone to a senior.. I drank and walked and cried.. Had been awhile since I shed tears for such pathetic friendships.. Soon Perhaps it was that awkwardness that stopped him from following me back to our dormitory.

I couldn't sleep, but SS was there when I needed her.. Funny she had a group of juniors with her but at least they knew how to respect their senior..

But it all did not end that way, even now it was so hard to catch a glimpse with my crush.. Yet when seeing them talking and smiling like nothing happened, I believe that's the signal from God to stop trying.. An inner person she is, yet if I were to have a PVP with her she wouldn't even stand a chance..

Perhaps,
I tried too hard bringing myself low down to their level, I tried too hard to be funny with this God given talent, I tried too hard bringing myself up close to them so they felt comfortable them, and I tried my best to savor these precious times we spent together..

But,
one quote I found true from The Walking Dead, "when you care about someone hurt is part of the package", it just fit my shoe perfectly..

Much like DotA, blames and flames when things went wrong, no one cared if things went running the way it should..

I knew myself well enough I would let others' shape me into whom they feel comfortable with, but it seems like it's up to myself now..

Well definitely more challenges awaits me in this path, but....... It's only 1 month and a half..

"Puts on mask"