Blame and Flame

Some days after my anger ebbed away, but it still bothered me until now. I confirmed that I was not at fault, but what done is done. It was well clear the idea to ride on one's back did not came from me, yet because of one fall he changed into another...... Boy.

Of hearing that shout, I blurred out of words not knowing that to say, if he'd knew a little more about Physics, he will my pulling of LB's pants will not cause the fall. I got blamed for being childish, in front of them, in front of 3 girls, worst still, amongst them, was my crush..

The air came crushing down when I saw the 3 of them, needless to say I can read it from their eyes they had absolutely no idea what had just happened, perhaps random hypotheses of me being the sole cause for the accident after hearing his accuses so loud.

Needless to say, I apologized in hoping he could calm his nerves, aloud. But girls don't usually catch this fact, I had just made things worse by apologizing, as they thought I was the one at fault. He said sorry pretty softly shortly afterwards, but it does not matter anymore..

JK, one of the witness, perhaps the one most understanding, immediately called for everyone to just go home instead. I, out of frustration and grief tailed them home. I let the wind cover my tears that night, out of a sudden I felt really lonely, because, no one even bothered to talk to me. He played it smart, seizing the opportunity he accompanied every one of them, effectively using me as a stepping stone, soaring heights.. So much for people who wanted easy friends the fast way..

Accompanying me that night was a Budweiser I bought earlier that day, how funny it was to see me holding one can that soon..

I leaped up from the swing and traced back home, it was funny he came in front of me, perhaps he had words, but sometimes when ego and pride went ahead, one wouldn't just lower one's head, let alone to a senior.. I drank and walked and cried.. Had been awhile since I shed tears for such pathetic friendships.. Soon Perhaps it was that awkwardness that stopped him from following me back to our dormitory.

I couldn't sleep, but SS was there when I needed her.. Funny she had a group of juniors with her but at least they knew how to respect their senior..

But it all did not end that way, even now it was so hard to catch a glimpse with my crush.. Yet when seeing them talking and smiling like nothing happened, I believe that's the signal from God to stop trying.. An inner person she is, yet if I were to have a PVP with her she wouldn't even stand a chance..

Perhaps,
I tried too hard bringing myself low down to their level, I tried too hard to be funny with this God given talent, I tried too hard bringing myself up close to them so they felt comfortable them, and I tried my best to savor these precious times we spent together..

But,
one quote I found true from The Walking Dead, "when you care about someone hurt is part of the package", it just fit my shoe perfectly..

Much like DotA, blames and flames when things went wrong, no one cared if things went running the way it should..

I knew myself well enough I would let others' shape me into whom they feel comfortable with, but it seems like it's up to myself now..

Well definitely more challenges awaits me in this path, but....... It's only 1 month and a half..

"Puts on mask"

In the end I actually care...

Another night where I could not sleep as I reveal myself to the series of events that happened as I stepped into the Japanese Language Centre. It had been 5 month since..

Often times I hear people say I offer more than I can receive, which is true to some. But as I kept myself this way, it seemed more like a play doll for those whom I lent my hands. Until recently I made my own list and I eventually felt dumb..

I remembered mother saying that one should help out of obligation and make it one's practice.. She's right in that way, but I wonder what those people who got helped think of it? To those bunch I mentioned earlier I believe they felt like it was mandatory at all.

Reason for this is just to remind myself to stop thinking and go to sleep actually, because of my nature perhaps I'm thinking things too far, as often times I'm being hurt over and over again for not being careful..

人によって考え方も違う。

Cats

I remembered that in the past I wasn't a good fan of cats, to make matters worse thanks to daily science I understand that they clean themselves every now and then with their tongue thus cats hate baths, that's how I couldn't put away the thought that they were dirty no matter how hard they clean themselves..

Until I met her, and as far as I remember, we're still young back then but her love for little animals startled me. I dare not even touch a domestic cat in fear that they bite and give me diseases..

That ended when she pulled me to it, close enough for my fingers to feel its fur. It was a white cat in our classroom as far as I can remember, and before it made the teacher's desk its home, we took out the drawer, stuffed in old newspaper strips and even those polystyrene ropes, tear them so fine it's fluffy for it to stay there for long.

Days later it conceived and gave birth to kittens, but it trusted us to touch its babies... What a sight then! Though we did not feed them, the mother somehow get them food and, after the holidays, they were nowhere to be seen..

After a long walk by the Korean Alley near Shinjuku we made it to a pet shop where the shopkeeper had a Russian Blue in it, and even the Bengal 'Tiger-wannabe'. A golden retriever, bulldog and a monkey in it, but I just don't feel like showing how much I want them as companions.. I wish I worked there...

Speaking of cats we have Jia Tian, perhaps she took herself like one of them, not forgetting my Biology lecturer Mr Agas, cat fanatics.. I heard him growl before...

I had a dream to build a home with cats and dogs living under it, I wonder when will I see it fulfilled.

It's been awhile, or has it?

One month since I landed on the land of Sakura, and had since I started my new journey. I wonder what may change in a year's time? 

Everything went well over here despite occasional earthquakes that can scare shit out of one, but these things happen, do they?

3 months of intensive Japanese back at LUJEC, I remembered it all as if it was yesterday, of how I started talking to them despite the fact that I wanted to be alone, who I am, or what my real personalities, I cannot recall anymore.

Now that the Golden Week has ended, more things are to be learnt, and so have I set my mind straight. Often times these little things do bother me, that same old dilemma to decide what's good for me and which not.. And even now that torments me most, is something I wish to keep only to myself...

Nevertheless it's my studies that I'm after, what God permit, want and allow me to do, I wonder what they are?

Perhaps time will tell like anything else? Or was this the real me?